The itsy-bitsy spider tried to stop the war

This has nothing to do with NCLB but we at Camp Nickleby would like to extend our kudos to singer/songwriter Neil Young. He has had an honor bestowed upon him that is not received by many musicians -- his own spider! This is, like, totally awesome!

An East Carolina University biologist, Jason Bond, discovered a new species of trapdoor spider and chose to call the arachnid after his favorite musician (mine too), Canadian Neil Young, naming it Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi.

"There are rather strict rules about how you name new species," Bond said in a statement." As long as these rules are followed you can give a new species just about any name you please. With regards to Neil Young, I really enjoy his music and have had a great appreciation of him as an activist for peace and justice."

A dog-eared Neil Young songbook and my Guild D-35 served me well in my college days. Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi . . . long may you run!

Oh yeah, the resemblance is uncanny, no?

Who let the horse in? Who, who, who, who . . .

Wheeled within the barricades of public education six years ago, the Trojan horse known as No Child Left Behind is finally getting a chance to work its magic. Unable to meet unattainable goals set forth by this draconian and ridiculous law, more and more school districts throughout the United States are coming under sanctions by the Federales. And we can all be proud that California, according to a recent report, leads the nation in the percentage of school districts not meeting NCLB mandates. California has 97 school districts that failed to meet their goals under the law for four years, more than twice as many failing districts as any other state so far. Nationwide, 411 school districts in 27 states now face intervention. We can all be truly proud of this accomplishment. WE’RE NUMBER ONE, WE’RE NUMBER ONE!

Luckily, these failing school districts will now have ‘experts’ to tell them how to correctly teach children! How wonderful this will be. Apparently, educators have been doing it all wrong for so many years. Of course, no one really knows how to close the so-called achievement gap and raise the all-important test scores. It’s like trying to tie rocks to clouds. But that’s the real beauty of NCLB! This is what it was designed to do; decimate public education. And yet, every day I read or hear about how the goals of NCLB can be met, if only more money was spent, or if a school district hired better teachers or principals, or if Martians came down from space and gave everyone an anal probe.

Predictably, the always comically-delusional U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings says California is taking the right steps to punish school districts that are failing. Speaking of our beloved Governator, Spellings said in a recent interview, "He is the first governor to kind of embrace this law, to take it on himself, to be acting for it, and in keeping completely with the spirit of No Child Left Behind.” KIND OF EMBRACE??? What the hell does that mean?

On the positive side, by taking action now, California can collect $45 million from the federal government. The districts facing the most severe sanctions each will receive $250,000 in federal money to pay for intervention teams (ooo, do they getto wear cute little uniforms?) and to start following their suggestions. And what will these intervention teams suggest? More math and English classes, less science, social science, arts and music, of course. Let’s see if we can get that dropout rate to 85%! Why not just turn public schools into little gulags? With this new money, schools might be able to purchase new ‘programs’ like Reading Frist (sic)? It works so well! According to a recent article in the New York Times, “President Bush’s $1 billion a year [Reading Frist] initiative to teach reading to low-income children has not helped improve their reading comprehension, according to a Department of Education report. Reading Frist did not improve students’ reading comprehension . . . The program did not increase the percentages of students in grades one, two or three whose reading comprehension scores were at or above grade level.” Not surprising, our leader, Commandante Spellings, had “no comment” on the report. The best part is, Rep. George Miller (D-Calif), the ranking Democrat on the House Education and Workforce Committee (and misguided NCLB supporter), charged that Reading Frist officials had "wasted taxpayer dollars on an inferior reading curriculum that was developed by a company headed by a Bush friend and campaign contributor (not to mention El Presidente Pantload’s brother, Neil). Instead of putting children first, they chose to put their cronies first." Miller asked the Justice Department to initiate a criminal investigation. Didn’t happen. Won’t happen.

As part of the restructuring process, schools will need to hire turnaround experts, new principals and coaches, and many more teachers to replace those judged to be ineffective. What the hell’s a turnaround expert? Where the districts will find these top-quality educators is unknown. California expects to face a shortage of as many as 100,000 qualified teachers in the next decade. It all is quite insurmountable.

Spellings, of course, has a different take. "I think it's going to take leadership, commitment and expectations," she said. "It's just like with the kids: If you think you have a bunch of kids who can't get to grade level, that's what you have. If you think you have superstars, that's what you have." My god, she’s right! That’s all it will take. The Power of Positive Thinking. Close down the schools of education throughout the land and just reanimate the corpse of Norman Vincent Peale. Why hasn’t anybody thought of this before?

So I checked out The Power of Positive Thinking at the camp library. Took it back to my cabin and read it by the warm glow of my Coleman lantern. The next day, I was determined to turn my kiddies around. I entered my classroom and looked at all of my ‘superstars’. I gave them a test on Renaissance art. I took the tests back to my cabin and graded them. Spellings was wrong. It didn’t work. I still have a box of hammers.

Why is this day like no other day?

Always dedicated to providing a multi-cultural education to our campers, Camp Nick celebrated Cinco de Mayo, the holiday commemorating the victory of Mexican forces led by General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín over French forces in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. The date is observed around the world as a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride. This festive day was filled with many wonderful activities at Camp Nickleby.

Early in the morning, flan, the most wonderful of all desserts, was once again the star of the 4^th Annual Cinco de Mayo Flan Tossing Contest. Contestants were given a wedge of flan. The object was to throw the quivering flan the farthest. The winner was 10^th grader Ricky Hitchens, with a throw of 85 ft. and 9 inches, breaking last year’s record.

Members of the Camp Nickleby Car Club offered a wonderful exhibition of hittin’ the switches. Three students, Humberto, Raul and Skippy showed off their hydraulics-installed cars on the camp’s boat launch. The boys started bouncing their cars, and all was getting very exciting until Skippy’s ’53 Chevy went out of control and fell into Lake Mukasey, immediately sinking to the bottom. Darrell’s towing service was called, but it was too late.

At 2:00 p.m., our Folk Dancing Class provided everyone with a wonderful exhibition of Mexican folk dancing, with the chemical-laden Lake Mukasey in the background.

The most popular of the day’s activities was the game of Where’s Zapata.

Campers in our Home Economics class grilled up a total of eight dozen whole-wheat tortillas over an open flame. The object of the game was to be the first to see the image of Emiliano Zapata in a tortilla. Campers could also win prizes for finding the image of Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera (large burrito-size tortillas).

The day ended with the ceremonial burning of a copy of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo. Campers gathered around a large EPA-approved bonfire, and tossed a Giclee print of the demon document that ended the war between Mexico and the United States in 1848 and lost California to the United States forever.

Most campers, when asked, thought the day was ‘muy bueno’ and can’t wait for next year’s celebration.

Camp Nickleby's Last Science Fair

Sadly, this may be the last year the annual Camp Nickleby 10th Grade Science Fair will be held. Because of the pressure to increase our camp's English and math scores on the all-important standardized tests, the science curriculum has had to take the back seat in instruction. Science scores won't be figured into AYP/API scores until somewhere in the distant future, perhaps when George Bush and his minions are long-gone and public education has finally been decimated by NCLB.

Mr. Pythagoras, our science and math counselor, decries the quality of the science projects this year. "Putting it mildly," he said, "this stuff is somewhat lacking on so many levels." Actually, it can be summed up in three words; VOLCANOES, VOLCANOES, VOLCANOES! Alas, the every-popular (and easy) baking soda volcano was quite ubiquitous. Out of 45 entries in the science fair, a whopping 27 were volcanoes, in all shapes, colors and sizes!

However, there were a few brave students who managed to forge through the sea of mediocrity and create something of their own, no matter how bizarre or random. Here are some of this year's non-volcano entries:

Helping Your Parent Through the DTs

This thoughtful project, by Jason Normwell, chronicles his time devoted to helping his mother, Charlene Murphy, get through her 12-step program at the local health clinic in Cedarville. Unfortunately, Charlene only got through step nine, then left Jason to fend for his self, when she ran off with an itinerant logger.

When Do-it-Yourself Body Piercing Goes Awry

Cindy and Heather came up with this one all by themselves. Practitioners of the tattoo arts, being somewhat scarce here in the woods, Cindy and Heather decided to do their own tongue piercings, "cuz that's, like, what all the boys like and everything." They decided to accomplish a "two-fer" and document their personal maiming adventure for their science project. Using Cindy's mom's sewing needle, a couple of finishing nails, and a pint of Jagermeister, they were able to pierce each other's tongue, without bleeding to death. Of course, both girls' piercing became infected. For their project, the girls decided to calculate the speed of Heather's infection and how long it would take to travel to her heart. Luckily they got her to the health clinic in time. But the photos of their project were amazing! Definitely Pulitzer material!

A New Look at Our Solar System

A few of the new students from that group at the old Johnson place even entered the science far, although it was quite obvious that science was not their forte. Hope Young-Smith, younger sister of Chastity, entered a model of our solar system. Unfortunately, there were a few problems with it, and she was disqualified. On her model, all of the planets, including the sun, revolved around the earth, represented by a flat, picnic plate. On the positive side, the planet Pluto was reinstated to its rightful place in our solar system.

Other projects that were submitted, but relegated to the back room at Spellings Hall, the venue for the science fair, included:

* Making a Dust Bunny Farm

* Magical Maggots

* Slug Maze

* Forest Fires are Fun!

* Battle Squirrels

This being away from camp can be addicting!

Art Camp in Davis has been way cool! Hope the campers back home are doing OK without me. Tonight is the Camp Nickleby Junior/Senior Prom down at the Grange Hall. Can't wait to hear the stories when I get back. I understand that Marjean's Prom Gown Rental in Cedarville did a helluva business this year! Glad somebody is making money during the current economic 'downturn'. I heard through the grapevine that Camp Nick might being going into foreclosure! Of course, this might be some ugly rumor started by those smart-alecky kids over at Camp Grenada. More details as I get them.

On a little vacation!

Taking a few days off. Going up to a ceramic sculpture conference in Davis! I hope the little campers will be OK without me.

Camp Nick celebrates Earth Day

Campers are getting ready to celebrate Earth Day at The Nick. Many events have been planned by the Camp Nickleby Friends of the Earth club. President of the club, Flower Rainbow Light is very excited. “We have been waiting all year for our big day,” she proclaimed. Some of the events include a tree hugging competition, a giant pin-the-tail-on-Secretary Kempthorne game, and a recycling scavenger hunt. Campers will be scouring the woods, within a two-mile radius, for plastic bottles and aluminum cans.

Ms. Light plans to end the day with the creation of a giant sculpture of wingnut writer, Ann Coulter! Flower Rainbow says she got the idea for this sculpture after talking to one of our newer students, Chastity Young-Smith. Fifteen-year-old Chastity’s father (or is he her husband) spoke up in Mr. Pythagoras’s science class yesterday and said that recycling is ‘for retards’. Chastity said that she read in Ann Coulter’s book Godless, that Coulter questions why children must be taught that recycling is the only answer? “Why aren't we teaching children "safe littering"?” Ms. Coulter said. Ms. Coulter apparently believes that recycling is just another facet of the greater communist-liberal-homosexual agenda that is ruining America today. Chastity believes that God will eventually just pick up after us, because He loves us so much.

Once the giant sculpture was completed, Flower Rainbow intended to set fire to the masterpiece, and create a Burning Ann Festival, but without the requisite public nudity. The captain of the Cedarville Volunteer Fire Department got wind of this and let Ms. Light and the rest of the campers know that this just wasn’t a good idea. Ms. Light was very disappointed but, being a good lover of Mother Earth, will instead take the bottle and cans to the local recycling center and use the money to purchase festive Friends of the Earth Club doo-rags.