Protractor Origami

While I encourage my students to use non-traditional materials in making art, sometimes you just have to wonder what goes on in their little minds. I get the feeling that some of them come in the classroom, look around, and try to figure out what they can destroy or screw up that day. Yesterday, while putting some art supplies away, I can across these poor, defenseless little protractors. I’m sure they weren’t hurting anybody. Just minding their business. Helping students figure out angles on their color wheels and such. And then, tragedy struck! One of the little darlins’ thought it would be hilarious to see what would happen if you combined an aluminum protractor with a bench vise. And voila, this is what you get!

When purchasing art supplies and equipment, I attempt to buy those products that have been thoroughly tested in a cage full of bonobos. Apparently, these did not receive the Bonobo Seal of Approval.

They should know how to take a test by now, right?

These are some of the more remarkable results from a Diego Rivera test I gave last Monday. Out of 80 tests given, about 10% got No. 9 wrong. How is this possible? Did I not give them enough of a clue? Seven years of teaching kids test-taking skills, and still they haven't figured out the game.

Oh yeah, and I was wrong about the election! Now we wait. Coach Shrewsbury, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, is finally getting use to having a democrat in the white house. This should be fun.

She ain’t singin’ yet!

Twenty months. Well worth the wait. Today’s the day. Will the Democrats continue their time-honored tradition of snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory? Will Obama become the new POTUS? I’m thinking the whole thing is going to crumble at the last minute. Ooooooooooooooooooooo, beware of the Bradley Effect. Will they really vote Obama after waiting in line eight hours? Are the polls really indicative of how people are going to vote? I don’t know, I want to feel optimistic, but something just doesn’t feel right.

I’m reminded of the Dead Kennedy’s remake of the old Phil Ochs song, Love me, I’m a liberal. Used here without an ounce of permission from either Jello Biafra or the late Phil Ochs.

Love Me I'm a Liberal

I cried when they shot John Lennon
Tears ran down my spine
And I cried when I saw "JFK"
As if I'd lost a father of mine
But Malcom-X and Ice-T had it coming
They got what they asked for this time

Chorus:
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal

I go to pro-choice rallies
Recycle my cans and jars
I'll honk if you love the Dead
Hope those funny Grunge bands become stars
But don't talk about revolution
That's going a little bit to far

Chorus:
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal

I cheered when Clinton was chosen
My faith in the system reborn
I'll do anything to save our schools
If my taxes aint too much more
And I love Blacks and Gays and Latinos
As long as they don't move next door

Chorus:
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal

Rush Limbaugh and the L.A.P.D.
Should all hang thier heads in shame
I can't understand where they're at
Arsenio should set them straight
But if neighborhood watch doesn't know you
I hope the cops take your name

Chorus:
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal

Yeah, I read the New Republican
Rolling Stone and Mother Jones too
If I vote it's a democrat
With a sensible economy view
But when it comes to terrorist Arabs
There is no one more red, white, and blue

Chorus:
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal

Once I was young and had an attitude
Stickers covered the car I drove in
Even went on some direct actions
When there weren't rent-a-cops to be seen
Ah, but now I've grown older and wiser
And that's why I'm turning you in

Chorus:
So love me, love me, love me,
I'm a liberal

VOTE, JUST VOTE!

How to tell a Marxist from a fabric swatch

Teaching high school is its own reward sometimes. Actually, more times than I'd like to think about.

During today's art lecture, a photo of Groucho Marx justaposed with a photo of John Lennon was shown to the kiddies during drawing class. I asked if anyone got the joke. Anyone? Anyone? Of course, nobody knew what the hell I was talking about. Most of the kids did know who John Lennon was. That Groucho guy? Forget it. I explained who he was. Blank stares. Then I explained the joke; Marx and Lennon, Karl Marx and V.I. Lenin. Blank stares continued. I asked if anyone knew who Karl Marx was. Anyone? Communist Manifesto? Anyone? Did anyone know who Lenin was. Anyone? One brave soul offered, "Isn't it a kind of fabric?" A home economics major, no doubt. You just have to wonder how they have gotten this far with so little.

Home schooled perhaps?

Coach Shrewsbury received a letter from Sarah Palin yesterday. He was so excited that she took the time out of her busy schedule criss-crossing the United States, spreading her message of the eminent communist takeover of this country, to personally write him a letter, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was a mass-mailed form letter, and her signature was actually printed on the page. He was beside himself with glee and just had to show the letter to me. In about two nanoseconds of proofreading, I noticed that the FIRST WORD in the letter was misspelled. How in the hell is it possible, in the 21st century, to misspell the word WEDNESDAY??? Those little red squiggly lines MEAN SOMETHING people! How is it possible, in the 21st century, can you own a computer without SPELLCHECK??? This letter was sent out by the Republican National Committee. WTF, are they still using Trash 80s over there? Margaret Spellings, please proofread their stuff for them! THIS IS JUST SUCH A MAJOR FAIL!

Which naturally brings me to this . . .

Sarah Palin was seated next to little Johnny on an airplane trip back to Washington.

She turned to little Johnny and said 'Let's talk. I've heard that the flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to The Palin, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said The Palin. 'How About What Changes I Should Help Make to America'? and she smiles.

'OK,' little Johnny says. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

Palin, visibly surprised by little Johnny's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which little Johnny replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to help change America when you don't know SHIT ?'

Please say it's almost over!

Well, it's been awhile.

The presidential campaign has hit Camp Nickleby. Yesterday, our campers participated in the National Mock Election, complete with the myriad of California ballot propositions. If yesterday’s election is any indication of what the real election will be like next Tuesday, we are in big trouble.

First, most of the campers did not know anything about the propositions, except for Prop 8, the anti-gay marriage initiative. I thought it would be a good idea to run through them quickly before they voted. With their usual five-nanosecond attention span, I’m not sure if this helped or not.

Second, the ballot designed for this exercise in futility was so confusing, most of the kids had no idea what or who they were voting for. Hmmmmmm, can you say Florida 2000? Although there were no hanging chads, most of the kids’ pencil erasers got a workout!

The camp powers-that-be initially considered giving the students a real U.S. election experience, and have them wait in line for three hours before they voted. At the last minute, they thought better of it. There were, however, some voting irregularities reported. Many of the campers came crying up to me, complaining that when they bubbled in Obama’s name, John McCain’s name was mysteriously bubbled in instead. Oddly enough, no kids claimed that Ralph Nader's name was magically bubbled in. Very curious. I emailed investigative journalist Gret Palast, and he promises to look into the matter.

On a darker note, several days ago, one of our Camp Nickleby Young Republicans came to school hysterical and claimed that she was accosted the night before at the Dairy Queen down in Cedarville. Heather Mumsford reported that a large, angry Obama supporter, seeing her wearing a McCain/Palin t-shirt, grabbed her milkshake, threw it to the ground, and proceeded to carve an ‘O’ into her forehead with a plastic spork. Many of the campers believed her without question. “That just sounds like something an Obama supporter would do”, they opined. But Flower Rainbow Light, president of the Nickleby Young Socialists club, sarcastically claimed, “She’s such a freakin' moron. She just carved it into her head herself, and carved it in backwards too!” After careful examination by the camp nurse, the carved ‘O’ was actually just an extreme case of ringworm!

And that’s the news from Camp Nickleby, where every youngster enjoys the great outdoors, clean fresh air and daily mountain hikes, and NO CHILD'S LEFT BEHIND!

Uh, like, such as . . .

Tonight’s the night! A few of the staff are getting together in Spellings Hall to watch the Vice Presidential Debate. We can’t wait! We’re taking bets on both sides of the aisle. About half of us think the Palin Express will derail about 25 minutes into the thing. The other half think Joe Biden will not be able to keep his mouth shut and just ramble on and on with each answer until it becomes unbearably painful to watch. In either case, we expect a fun evening.

Millicent Shrewsbury, president of the Palinites For Freedom club at the camp, has graciously volunteered the services of her three club members to provide us with snack items and beverages during the broadcast. The group plans a menu of hot dogs, ‘freedom’ fries, and Cheetohs, all washed down with Monster energy drinks. Yummy!

Millicent is the daughter of our coach and athletic director and is very involved in local Republican politics. During this election season, she has been canvassing the foothills, to drum up support for the McCain/Palin ticket. But two days ago, she came to class crying. Apparently, somebody took the McCain/Palin yard sign from her house and altered it, placing Palin’s name on top! By 10:30 that morning, after some thought, she thought it would be a great idea if indeed the ticket was inverted.

It looks like we’re all set for an interesting evening. Along with the wonderful grub, we have also armed ourselves with a set of Palin Bingo cards, to spice up the festivities. We plan on making a large bowl of ‘punch’ just for the occasion. Every time Ms. Palin uses one of her time-tested sound bites, we’ll throw back a shot of ‘punch’. I’m calling in sick tomorrow.