A newly-released U. S. Department of Education report concludes that the chance of public schools reaching NCLB goals of achievement is tied, not to teacher quality, but student quality! Basically, the report confirms the long-standing belief held by most educators that you truly cannot turn lead into gold. It all boils down to raw materials.
The report was spearheaded by Congressman Thaddeus T. Boondoggle, Republican from the 16th district. Congressman Boondoggle visited Camp Nickleby last month after it was revealed in a local newspaper article that Camp Nickleby was at the bottom of yet another list. Of the twelve high schools in our county, Camp Nick has the lowest rate of graduates going off to college. Only 11% of Camp Nick graduates continue on to college, whether a two-year college, four-year college or university, or a vocational school. We are so proud of our student body!
The congressman was accompanied by Miss Millicent Berkshire-Thwainwaite, founder and president of the Washington, D.C.-based educational reform organization, Wallop Teachers First. WTF is funded by a generous monthly stipend from the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation. Miss Berkshire-Thwainwaite, a former high school English teacher whose career in the classroom
lasted a total of six months, founded her organization to punish those who had the audacity to enter the teaching profession to further their atheist-homosexual-liberal agenda in our public schools.
After spending an entire day with us, visiting classrooms and talking to teachers and students, Congressman Boondoggle came to the realization that the main problem isn’t teacher quality, but student quality! He colorfully stated, “It seems like, I say, it seems like most of these students here don’t really give a rat’s ass about education, do they? How in the hell are you teachers supposed to teach these rutting little turds?”
Upon his return to Washington, Congressman Boondoggle commissioned a study to confirm his hypothesis. This study, a shovel-ready project funded with stimulus money and conducted by the University of Northwestern South Dakota, discovered that the most important factor affecting student achievement on standardized tests was not the quality of their teachers, the school environment, or the content of their government-supplied free lunches, but the quality of the students themselves! This surprising conclusion has placed President Obama and Secretary of Education Arne Duncan in a precarious situation. Recently, President Obama, while explaining his ideas for educational reform, stated that he plans “to toughen requirements on topics like teacher quality and academic standards and to intensify its focus on helping failing schools. The law’s testing requirements may evolve but will certainly not disappear. And the federal role in education policy, once a state and local matter, is likely to grow”.
The report’s conclusion did not sit well with our Superintendent, Kimberly Chee. “This report is a total crock! Everyone knows it is all the teachers’ fault. They are sooooo lazy! They don’t stay long enough after school. Some of them even go home to their families at night. I don’t have a family. I have no friends. I stay here all the time. That’s what they should do to,” screamed Superintendent Chee, as she threw a copy of pedagogical guru Robert Marzano’s latest book against her office wall.
Miss Millicent Berkshire-Thwainwaite is also having a difficult time coming to terms with the study’s content. “How can this be true?” she whined. “Everyone knows it is the teachers’ fault if the kids don’t get enough sleep at night, go to school without eating a proper breakfast or need to skip school to visit their parents in jail.”
The report broke down the United States public school population thusly:
