HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY 2010

FRANK ZAPPA on education . . .

Drop out of school before your mind rots from exposure to our mediocre educational system. Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts. Some of you like pep rallies and plastic robots who tell you what to read. Forget I mentioned it. This song has no message. Rise for the flag salute.

June 27, 1966: Zappa's liner notes for the album Freak Out! *

* This album, probably more than any other, made me the person I am today!

I SUPPOSE IT IS LIKE TRYING TO TURN YOUR GUITAR AMP TO '11'

I am always constantly amazed at the inner workings of the teenage mind. This morning, a couple of young ladies from the Camp Nick student council came by and asked if I had a step stool they could borrow for a few minutes. I gladly pointed to 'Old Widowmaker', the clay studio's recently-purchased, 3-step ladder. They looked at it carefully and told me, "Oh no, we are looking for one that only has two steps!"

I suggested that they use ours, but only use the two bottom steps. They looked at each other, then looked at me as if I was a complete moron! They left, continuing their search for that elusive 2-step ladder. Wow!

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO GET THE WEEKEND OFF TO A GOOD START

Started my day, listening to Democracy Now, as usual. Heard this piece by Juan Gonzalez while diving into my spinach, feta cheese and mushroom omelette at the breakfast table. Yes, I know, it is hard to believe!!!

Big Banks Making a Bundle On New Construction as Schools Bear the Cost

http://www.democracynow.org/2010/5/7/juan_gonzalez_big_banks_making_a

COULD IT BE 'NONE OF THE ABOVE'?

LIFE IS NOT A MULTIPLE CHOICE TEST!


Yesterday in the art appreciation segment of my show, I was conducting a little review of the kiddies. I, foolishly enough, wanted to see if they remembered anything from what I 'taught' last semester.


I was discussing the Impressionists. We studied, I thought, the Impressionists A LOT!


I asked the little munchkins if they remembered the name of the style which dealt with the painting of light upon a landscape. Anyone, anyone? Finally one brave little snowflake asked, "Mr. Phlegmbaum, could you please put it in A, B, C, D form?" Meaning, they could perhaps have a slight chance of answering the question if they had some choices to pick from.

Yeah, multiple choice tests! They're awesome!

PROUDLY WEARING THEIR RED BADGE OF STOOPID

Honest to God, I think I’m done. I think I’ve had enough! I’m tired of teaching in STOOPIDISTAN!

I don’t mind the stupid kids who know they’re stupid and are willing to improve. Some even ask for help from time-to-time. It’s the stupid ones who are ACTUALLY PROUD THAT THEY ARE STUPID! They spend their time comparing their stupidity with each other.

“What percentage do you have in algebra?” asks one moron to another.

“Dude, I have a 33%!” replies the other moron.

“That’s nothing, bro (they always call each other ‘bro’ or ‘dude’), I currently have a 27%!”

“Dude, that’s awesome. You win!”

And then there’s the pure, destructive power of a class full of high schoolers! If Obama wants to win in Afghanistan, forget the drones killing innocent children. Just parachute about 400 freshmen in. The Taliban will be heading for the hills in a matter of minutes!

I’ve gotta find another job. And quickly! Maybe Wal-Mart? Yeah, Wal-Mart! Doing something I could actually be proud of doing. I just hope some basketball player in Washington doesn’t tell me how to do my job there.

WE ARE SHOCKED, REALLY SHOCKED!

According to the Hog Lick Corners Advertiser/Gazette, State Sen. Roy Ashburn (R-Calif.), was pulled over early last Wednesday morning and arrested for drunk driving. Buried at the end of the article was a brief mention that sources reported Ashburn, a fierce opponent of gay rights, was driving drunk after leaving a gay nightclub!

Senator Ashburn, a divorced father of four and strong family-values kinda guy, is a strong supporter of Camp Nickleby. He supports our low-paid, non-union staff and our commitment to shoving mindless worksheets into the hands of our campers.

Last spring, he came to present a lesson during our annual ‘Anybody Can Be A Teacher’ day. He presented a sewing demonstration in our Home Economics department, creating a lovely taffeta skirt in under ten minutes, using a Bernina 1008 machine. Senior Muntheenia Dwelb recalls Senator Ashburn’s visit. “The skirt he made was, like, totally awesome, but the guy kinda creeped me out. I mean, dude, he really liked my new pair of espadrilles and kept asking me where I got them and how much they cost.” stated Ms. Dwelb.

Ashburn has issued an apology for the incident: "I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did. I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me - my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues in the Senate." There was no word whether the former Mrs. Ashburn was at his side during his apology.

Senator Ashburn eventually admitted that he is, in fact, gay! Billy Bob Norkle, president of the Camp Nickleby Young Republicans club, was beside himself with grief. "I just can't believe this about Senator Ashburn. This is really a hard one for me to swallow."

CAREER COUNSELING FROM A 15-YEAR-OLD!

Well, one more week, and the campers are out for spring break. The counselors here have noticed, for the past few weeks, that what look to be potential breeding pairs have been forming amongst the youngins, getting ready for a week of unsupervised glee in the woods.

As the break approaches, I was given something to ponder during my time away from camp. At the end of my third period Art Foundations class, while I was trying to get the little Rembrandts to actually try to clean up their messes, one of my little sophomores asked me, “So, Mr. Knurlman, do you really like teaching? And why do you do it?”

A fair question, I thought. I replied, “I just get a kick out of shaping the future generations of America!” Yeah, right.

My little sophomore opined, “You know, if, like I had to do your job to earn a living, I’d kill myself!”

On the drive home last night, as I was watching a large BNSF freight locomotive coming closer to the railroad crossing I was stopped at, I thought . . .