END OF THE SEASON OF THE KVETCH!

Well, week four into summer vacation is just about over, but it feels sooooooo good! We managed to make it through another year at Camp Nickleby, with the usually amount of year-end kvetching by seniors and parents of seniors. This year, I had a rather large amount of parents coming in, a few days before graduation, wondering why their precious little progeny was flunking an art class, and might not be able to graduate from high school. I explained to mummy that precious flower DIDN’T DO A @#%&ING THING all semester. Of course, precious flower expected to receive a passing grade, using the default reason in matters such as these, “But, I did all my work!” That fact that ‘the work’ was total crap didn’t seem to enter the equation for precious flower. Of course, I buckled and handed out my usual number of Christian-charity D-‘s.

This year, I bought a new addition to my computerized grading program. Most of the little people don’t quite understand the concept of computerized grading. The assume (never a good idea) that when they turn in a project or assignment, sometimes actually on time, that it immediately is reflected on the grade report. I explain to them, once again, that, “no precious flower, I have to somehow find the time to plug it into the computer.

I could see that, three weeks from the end of the semester, a large percentage of the kiddles still didn’t understand what was going on. Seniors who somehow thought they would automatically graduate from high school because they were ‘too gosh darned cute’, probably weren’t unless they started turning stuff in. It was time to use my new weapon against teenage sloth. I activated the FEAR OF GOD feature on my grading system. This feature shows the youngin’, instantly, what their final grade would look like if they didn’t turn stuff in. OMG, it was hilarious. They were running around like little chickens sans heads! There was crying and wailing and much gnashing of teeth. There were, of course, those unmotivateable darlins’ that could care less, and instead decided to ‘kick back’ for the rest of the semester. All in all, the FEAR OF GOD add-on was well worth the $34.99 I paid for it. Available through amazon.com. Check it out.

The Camp is quiet now. Birds are singing in the trees. Plague-infested squirrels can be seen darting from tree to tree. Maintenance workers are attempting to the vast amount of damage that was inflicted on the camps facilities by the little darlins. Can’t wait for the new school year to start. Oh wait, yes I can. And that’s the news from Camp Nickleby, where every youngster enjoys the great outdoors, clean fresh air and daily mountain hikes, and NO CHILD'S LEFT BEHIND!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY 2010

FRANK ZAPPA on education . . .

Drop out of school before your mind rots from exposure to our mediocre educational system. Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts. Some of you like pep rallies and plastic robots who tell you what to read. Forget I mentioned it. This song has no message. Rise for the flag salute.

June 27, 1966: Zappa's liner notes for the album Freak Out! *

* This album, probably more than any other, made me the person I am today!

I SUPPOSE IT IS LIKE TRYING TO TURN YOUR GUITAR AMP TO '11'

I am always constantly amazed at the inner workings of the teenage mind. This morning, a couple of young ladies from the Camp Nick student council came by and asked if I had a step stool they could borrow for a few minutes. I gladly pointed to 'Old Widowmaker', the clay studio's recently-purchased, 3-step ladder. They looked at it carefully and told me, "Oh no, we are looking for one that only has two steps!"

I suggested that they use ours, but only use the two bottom steps. They looked at each other, then looked at me as if I was a complete moron! They left, continuing their search for that elusive 2-step ladder. Wow!

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO GET THE WEEKEND OFF TO A GOOD START

Started my day, listening to Democracy Now, as usual. Heard this piece by Juan Gonzalez while diving into my spinach, feta cheese and mushroom omelette at the breakfast table. Yes, I know, it is hard to believe!!!

Big Banks Making a Bundle On New Construction as Schools Bear the Cost

http://www.democracynow.org/2010/5/7/juan_gonzalez_big_banks_making_a

COULD IT BE 'NONE OF THE ABOVE'?

LIFE IS NOT A MULTIPLE CHOICE TEST!


Yesterday in the art appreciation segment of my show, I was conducting a little review of the kiddies. I, foolishly enough, wanted to see if they remembered anything from what I 'taught' last semester.


I was discussing the Impressionists. We studied, I thought, the Impressionists A LOT!


I asked the little munchkins if they remembered the name of the style which dealt with the painting of light upon a landscape. Anyone, anyone? Finally one brave little snowflake asked, "Mr. Phlegmbaum, could you please put it in A, B, C, D form?" Meaning, they could perhaps have a slight chance of answering the question if they had some choices to pick from.

Yeah, multiple choice tests! They're awesome!

PROUDLY WEARING THEIR RED BADGE OF STOOPID

Honest to God, I think I’m done. I think I’ve had enough! I’m tired of teaching in STOOPIDISTAN!

I don’t mind the stupid kids who know they’re stupid and are willing to improve. Some even ask for help from time-to-time. It’s the stupid ones who are ACTUALLY PROUD THAT THEY ARE STUPID! They spend their time comparing their stupidity with each other.

“What percentage do you have in algebra?” asks one moron to another.

“Dude, I have a 33%!” replies the other moron.

“That’s nothing, bro (they always call each other ‘bro’ or ‘dude’), I currently have a 27%!”

“Dude, that’s awesome. You win!”

And then there’s the pure, destructive power of a class full of high schoolers! If Obama wants to win in Afghanistan, forget the drones killing innocent children. Just parachute about 400 freshmen in. The Taliban will be heading for the hills in a matter of minutes!

I’ve gotta find another job. And quickly! Maybe Wal-Mart? Yeah, Wal-Mart! Doing something I could actually be proud of doing. I just hope some basketball player in Washington doesn’t tell me how to do my job there.

WE ARE SHOCKED, REALLY SHOCKED!

According to the Hog Lick Corners Advertiser/Gazette, State Sen. Roy Ashburn (R-Calif.), was pulled over early last Wednesday morning and arrested for drunk driving. Buried at the end of the article was a brief mention that sources reported Ashburn, a fierce opponent of gay rights, was driving drunk after leaving a gay nightclub!

Senator Ashburn, a divorced father of four and strong family-values kinda guy, is a strong supporter of Camp Nickleby. He supports our low-paid, non-union staff and our commitment to shoving mindless worksheets into the hands of our campers.

Last spring, he came to present a lesson during our annual ‘Anybody Can Be A Teacher’ day. He presented a sewing demonstration in our Home Economics department, creating a lovely taffeta skirt in under ten minutes, using a Bernina 1008 machine. Senior Muntheenia Dwelb recalls Senator Ashburn’s visit. “The skirt he made was, like, totally awesome, but the guy kinda creeped me out. I mean, dude, he really liked my new pair of espadrilles and kept asking me where I got them and how much they cost.” stated Ms. Dwelb.

Ashburn has issued an apology for the incident: "I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did. I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me - my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues in the Senate." There was no word whether the former Mrs. Ashburn was at his side during his apology.

Senator Ashburn eventually admitted that he is, in fact, gay! Billy Bob Norkle, president of the Camp Nickleby Young Republicans club, was beside himself with grief. "I just can't believe this about Senator Ashburn. This is really a hard one for me to swallow."