Being reminded we're losers again!

Well, our NCLB-mandated letter from our wonderful Superintendent went out today to all parents of Camp Nickleby students. The letter informs parents that their child goes to an underperforming school and their kid doesn't have a chance at a great education because they attend a public school and the teachers are worthless losers! It is just such a warm and fuzzy. Ya know, that barista job at Starbucks down in Cedarville is starting to look better and better.

Here is the content of the letter:

Dear Parents/Guardians of Students at Camp Nickleby:

In accordance with the No Child Left Behind act, I am required to inform you that Camp Nickleby is an underperforming school. It has been and underperforming school for a long time. Let’s be real, it will probably remain an underperforming school until Arne Duncan closes it. In fact, I have been trying to close it since I started as Viceroy Superintendent here. This place is a mess!

I hate the teachers. They are always whining about something, whether it is their lousy salary or not having enough money for photocopies. So? They should be happy just to have a job. If I had my way, they would be standing in a soup line somewhere. In the days of our glorious ex-President Bush and our illustrious former Secretary of Education Spellings, I thought I would be able to trash the union here and force everybody to work for minimum wage. But Arne Duncan does look promising. He likes to close underperforming schools. I like to close underperforming schools. Since all schools are underperforming, I see good times ahead.

I am supposed to inform you that we are doing everything we can to close the Cheese Mint Gap, but let’s not kid ourselves, it ain’t gonna happen. These kids are not the brightest bulbs in the marquee. It might help if you fed your kids a decent breakfast in the morning and get them to bed at a proper hour each night. But hey, you don’t have time for that, working three jobs to make up for investments lost in some Wall Street Ponzi scheme.

If you don’t want to have your child going to school here, you have the option of sending them somewhere else. But hey, let’s face it, all public schools are a joke. All the teachers are bleeding-heart liberals and really lazy. They just went into teaching because they wanted to have their summers off! Best thing to do is to home school them. That always works!