Crying in my adult fermented beverage

Well, Camp Nickleby received their API scores today. It was a little too late in the day to really digest what the numbers mean. It will take awhile to sort it all out and make a full report to you, our loyal readers. Until it is all sorted out, her is a small gem I uncovered tonight on the Net, while pouring over the State's API report, between sips of Gallo Hearty Burgundy (burp!)

You gotta check this one out. I'm just glad to help.

http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Sarah_Palin

P.O.W. CHICKA WOW WOW!

Is it over? Is it safe to turn on the television?

During this past week, when all of the campers were safe and sound in their cabins, some members of the staff here at Camp Nickleby gathered in front of the Sanyo big-screen TV in Spellings Hall to watch the Republican National Convention. We suffered through the Democrats last week. We thought we'd double up the pain. What the hell.

Using footage of the terror of the World Trade Center attacks was a real nice touch, wasn't it? Do they have no shame?

Was it just me, or did anyone get the feeling Tuesday night that Laura Bush was blinking, "HELP ME, PLEASE GOD, HELP ME" in Morse Code during her inspiring speech? Or was that just the Gewürztraminer talking?

And did you know that John McCain was a prisoner of war during the Vietnam 'conflict'?

The speech of über-weasel Joe Lieberman was definitely a high point of the convention, ending with the from-below shot looking up at him with a super large American flag waving in the background. I got so excited I soiled myself!

I was somehow able to get through W's video presentation. On January 24, 2001, I purchased a Bush-Off manufactured by Ronco. It has been a real brain saver. It attaches to any television or radio and mutes the device when it detects our President speaking. Apparently it works by detecting smarminess, bull#%&t and unbelievable arrogance. Thank you Ronco!

And did you know that John McCain was a prisoner of war during the Vietnam 'conflict'?

The RNC was truly an example of diversity on parade. I enjoyed watching the news media play Find the Person of Color. Sometimes several minutes went by before they were successful in their quest. I think they found a total of seventeen during tonight's broadcast.

Apparently from time-to-time during the week's proceedings, zookeepers from the Minnesota Zoo threw large chunks of raw meat on the floor of the convention center. Whenever this occurred, chants of 'USA, USA' and 'Country First, Country First' could be heard, drowning out many speeches, including Mr. McCain's. The blood lust was palpable.

As I was watching the goings-on during the last four days, I kept asking myself, "Do they really believe their own bull@%#t, or do they know it's total bull@%#t, but they just want to see how incredibly f#$%ing gullible the American public is. My guess is, the American public is VERY f#$%ing GULLIBLE!

And did you know that John McCain was a prisoner of war during the Viet Nam 'conflict'?

Tonight, we decided to have some fun and gave the convention a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 treatment. To add to our enjoyment of the spectacle, we watched Cindy McCain's propaganda speech with the sound off. With the quasi Farrah Fawcett hairdo, she looked and gestured just like a Sunday morning TV evangelist. Kinda creeeeeeeeeepy!!!

And did you know that John McCain was a prisoner of war during the Viet Nam 'conflict'?

Our future president kept asking the crowd at the RNC if they were having trouble finding work, putting food on the table (or on their family), and making their mortgage payments. WTF? Who the hell did he think he was talking to, po' folk?

Of course we waited and waited. And then it finally happened. McCain meandered his way to the issue of public education. Mr. McCain described education as the CIVIL RIGHTS ISSUE of the century! WTF? Of course, he repeated the obligatory wingnut meme trashing public education and failing schools (read f@$# the pond-scum teachers' unions and their communist, liberal, homosexual, pro-choice agendas). He wants 'competition' and 'school choice' to attract good teachers. Who the hell wants to go in this profession nowadays? A little masochism is OK, but geez, there's a limit to how much nonsensical crap a person can put up with! Can't wait to see the whole mess implode soon.

Our steadfast vigilance was rewarded at the end of Mr. McCain's speech. We were all totally blown away when OJT Sarah Palin reached into her Louis Vuitton handbag, apparently handed down to her by Cindy McCain, pulled out a live, dapple-colored rat, and tossed it to McCain. And unbelievable as it seems, he proceeded to tear the head off of the poor little creature with his bare teeth, then spat it back to VPILF Palin, where she caught it with her new handbag! We looked at each other with disbelief! What the @#%k was that? We waited anxiously for the political pundits to put a positive spin on it. And they did! On FOX news, Sean Hannity was beside himself with glee. So excited was he that he almost choked on a piece of raw sirloin. He said, "This is proof again that John McCain was a real maverick and is what the greatest country God has given the world needs right now." Tony Blankley, of the Washington Times and resident right-wing tool on KCRW's Left, Right and Center, said it was a bold move on McCain's part. "Not many presidential hopefuls would have the chutzpah to try something this visceral only two months before the presidential election, but it does add greatly to his image as a maverick," opined Mr. Blankley. Even Chris Mathews of MSNBC said it really proved that, "A maverick like McCain had what it takes to tackle, head-on, the issues important to the Republican party; turning Iran into a parking lot, punching more holes in the earth's crust to increase Big Oil's profit margin, scraping public schools from the American landscape, and marching towards the End Times."

And did you know that John McCain was a prisoner of war during the Vietnam 'conflict'?

Ooops, one got passed the goalie!

Oh, who are we kidding? There was no goalie. Hell, the goalie never even made it to the game.

The selection of Sarah Palin as the Republican choice for vice president may just well be the gift that keeps on giving. With the announcement of her 17-year-old daughter’s out-of-wedlock pregnancy, she kinda throws a wrench in that whole ‘party of family values’ crap, doesn’t she? It is hilariously fun to watch the wingnuts try to put a positive spin on the whole thing.

While perusing the tubes of the Internets, I came across this gem in a comments section on a related story:

"Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body" I Corinthians 6:18 (I checked my King James version; it’s correct)

Her daughtereth commitedeth fornication. She goeth to hell, together with her mothereth , fathereth, and McCain.

Why McCain? He can catch bin Laden while he is there.

Thank YHWH for the funny people.!

Oddly enough, Miss Palin (mother-to-be) is somehow connected with Camp Nick! She attended Pastor John’s Christian Camp this past summer. Some kids described her as cherubic. Although she eschewed the firearms training (she, unlike her mother, does not find any joy in killing cute little forest critters) she was the head youth counselor for Pastor John’s abstinence-only sex education program for his campers. The slogan of the club was “Keeping Them Crossed for Chris!” Dripping with irony, no?

Sharing is Caring

Would like to share another gem of the Internets with you. Check this out! Hilarious.

Curiouser and curiouser

It would be impossible for someone to write this stuff and have anybody believe it. Truth is stranger than fiction. Ol’ Johnny Seven Houses picks Sarah Palin for his veep. And within nine nanoseconds of his announcement, the blogs were abuzzin’. God bless the Tubes of the Internets for all of those Cheetoh-munching folks with computers who have way too much time on their hands. This website has already popped up!

One wonders what thought processes went on within the McCain camp on this one. I feel completely comfortable with the fact that a creationist who wants to drown polar bears and punch more holes in the earth for three months’ worth of crude oil might be a heartbeat away from the presidency.

And the Big O didn’t sound exactly friendly to the teaching profession in his speech the other night. More accountability and more testing and more senseless political crap to struggle through. Don’t expect any real change concerning NCLB. It ain’t gonna happened until the crap finally hits than fan.

I think I might go with Nader this time around. What the hell.

To paraphrase Bette Davis, "Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy ride!"

Closing the Cheese Mint Gap

What's all this I keep hearing about a cheese mint gap? Seems to me you'd want a gap between cheese and mint. They just don't go together, no matter what type of recipe you use them in. The tastes of each are just too different. They're just not compatible. I'm all in favor of continuing the gap between cheese and mint, as God intended because . . . what? Oh really? Never mind! *

One of the favorite buzzword phrases used by the accountably-in-education clowns is The Achievement Gap. Holding a prominent place within the NCLB insanity, this is yet another hurdle teachers and schools are expected to clear. Teachers are expected to work miracles. We are expected to somehow nullify negative forces outside of the school environment which affect student performance and make things nice! Looks so nice on paper or in a speech.
Two weeks ago, before classes started for the new school year and the campers were back at Camp Nick, I got on my vintage Italian road bike and took a spin down the mountain and around the surrounding area. I took a right turn up an old, abandoned logging road. I was shocked by what I saw. Hidden in the mountains, among the pines and firs, I witnessed a community that surely missed out on the American dream. Most of the 'homes' people were living in (if you could call it living) would not be suitable for a dog. I witnessed soul-grinding poverty at its worst. Apparently, many of our students come from this environment. And I thought to myself, how in the hell are we expected to close a gap, when the playing field is marked with large boulders that must be rolled out of the way first? What is glaringly missing from all of the nonsensical hype spewed concerning NCLB is any mention that a student's home life 'might' figure mightily into their school performance.

But I accept the challenge. I have a plan. I figure if I'm going to close the 'gap', I need to give my students the same opportunities that more affluent students are given. First off will be help with homework. When my teaching day ends, I plan to visit each student's cabin in the evening and help them with their homework. Taking into account I have more than 150 students on my roster, I probably won't be able to spend much time with each student. I figure each kid will get two minutes of my time. Hey, better than nothing. Let's see, 150 kids times 2 means I should make it back home to my cabin around 1:00 a.m. Utilizing my Dianetics training from the 70s, I'll get about three hours of sleep, then back up at 4:00 a.m. to start my breakfast run. Armed with my portable, propane-fired, non-stick griddle, I will be able to supply each camper with a protein-rich and balanced breakfast, so they will be ready for the day of learning awaiting them. I'm also willing to take time to post bail for students' parents, if the need arises, and help parents get to work, if they indeed do have a job, when their car won't start or if it was stolen in the night.

I know this will work. Our motivational speaker told us we had to go that extra measure if we wanted to be 'good' teachers. Hell, if Santa can hit the entire world in one night, I think I can hit a handful of mountain cabins! Piece of cake!

*with heartfelt apologies to the most wonderful Gilda Radner

Back in the saddle!

Well, it’s day two of a new school year at Camp Nickleby, and chaos has already reared its ugly head. Too many campers and not enough space to house them. Predictably, my classes are bursting at the seams, and not enough chairs for the youngins to sit on! We’re off to a good start! Our enrollment is up this year, apparently because many parents are opting to send their kids here instead of a regular public school. They think that, because we’re a charter school, their kiddies will get a better education. What idiots! We’re only in it for the money!

I guess we look like we need more motivation

The week before camp started, the faculty was subjected to several days of mindless meetings, going over the plan for the year, and discussing ways to keep the NCLB federales off of our backs for another year. We were also forced to sit through the obligatory, yearly staff rah-rah session, headed by yet another down-on-his-luck motivational speaker. Geez, where do they find these people? This year’s speaker spent most of his hour-long diatribe proclaiming that teachers just don’t do enough for the kids and that if they were really serious about teaching, they would start work ½ hour earlier in the morning and leave ½ later in the afternoon. Say what? I don’t know, but I think I give 110% already, thank you very much!

A new viceroy, chancellor, superintendent at Camp Nick

On our return, we learned that the Camp’s Board of Trustees, including the newly-elected Mr. Young-Smith, hired a new superintendent! Her name is Kimberly (Kim) Chee. She comes to us via Washington, D.C., where she was the CEO of a right-wing educational think tank called Blame the Teachers First. Methinks we are in for some rough times. Kim Chee has suggested that the Board change our teaching contract so that they can pay us minimum wage! In addition to this, she has made it clear that we should all be fluent in a foreign language. Unfortunately, the language she is proposing in Swedish! And to heap injury upon injury, she has suggested that we start wearing our underwear on the outside of our clothing! This is gonna get ugly!

What are we gonna do with these mother@$%&in’ snakes?

The Board is reconsidering renting out the camp in the future. This past summer’s experiment renting to Pastor John’s organization didn’t go too well. The renters left the camp a complete mess. There were empty shell casings everywhere, not to mention fish entrails clogging up the sinks! And for some inexplicable reason, they left behind three cages of live, poisonous snakes! What were they doing with snakes??? The cages were marked ‘religious supplies’.

Packing heat!

On the plus side, the Board did decide at their last meeting that they will allow camp counselors to wear a concealed weapon! Apparently it was thought that this would motivate the young children to come to class on time, do their homework every night, and do well on the standardized tests. This is going to be totally AWESOME and is much cheaper than paying the kids for better test scores. Public education in America just keeps getting better and better!