CAMP NICKLEBY: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY 2010

Sunday, May 9, 2010

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY 2010

FRANK ZAPPA on education . . .

Drop out of school before your mind rots from exposure to our mediocre educational system. Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts. Some of you like pep rallies and plastic robots who tell you what to read. Forget I mentioned it. This song has no message. Rise for the flag salute.

June 27, 1966: Zappa's liner notes for the album Freak Out! *

* This album, probably more than any other, made me the person I am today!

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ARNE HAS THE ANSWERS . . .

I opened my mailbox a few days ago, and much to my delight, there before me was the latest issue of NEA Today Magazine. This issue features a Q & A with Secretary of Education ~~Spellings~~ Duncan. Here is what Arne says concerning how poverty affects kids’ performance in schools. And I thought Spellings was delusional.

On the subject of poverty, Lori Mayo, a high school English teacher from New York City asked our basketball-playing leader:

Test scores are tied to parents' incomes. When will politicians realize that although schools can help to mitigate some of the disparities in society, we cannot be the great equalizer that will leave no child behind?

Secretary Duncan: I disagree. I see extraordinary high-performance schools where 95 percent of children live below the poverty line, where 95 percent are graduating, and 90 percent of those who graduate are going on to college.*

I think we have to raise expectations. We have too many examples-whether it's inner-city urban schools or rural schools-where, year after year, class after class, not just one child somehow breaking out in some miracle, but where schools and school systems are routinely beating the odds. So I would really challenge that teacher to look at what's happening, in New York City and other places around the country, rural and urban, where children from desperate poverty are being very, very successful because adults had the highest of expectations, pushing so hard to help them.

I know how tough that work is. I know it doesn't happen overnight. But this is the most important work going on today. And we have too many examples of success now to think that it's not possible. It is happening consistently, more so today than ever before, which gives me tremendous hope for the future.

WHERE THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING?

OUR MISSION STATEMENT

Nestled in the Sierra Nevada, just south of Sequoia National Park, Camp Nickleby was founded by a group of under-qualified, disgruntled high school teachers. Knowing that within a few years, many public schools will be closed down because of NCLB mandates, we thought we’d cash in on the school vouchers/charter schools scam ASAP, before people started to wise up.

We offer a comprehensive, high school curriculum to those students who might not be considered the sharpest knives in the drawer, the brightest bulbs in the sign, or are a few Bradys short of a bunch.

We here at Camp Nickleby believe that every child can learn. Something. Anything. We are genuinely committed to teaching the children we have, not the children we'd like to have.

Our Camp Song

Camp Nickleby
VERSE 1
We're stuck here at Camp Nickleby, cuz our algebra's not that good,
We'd love to write some letters home, only if we could.
Other kids all get involved with sports and band and choir,
We like to hide under our bunks, our test scores go no higher

CHORUS
Welcome to Camp Nickleby, we're together with our kind,
We love the hiking on the trails, where No Child's Left Behind

VERSE 2
We love the mountain air and pines, the campfires and the songs,
Many games for us to play, but our pings are missing pongs.
We check the sky and look to see if pigs are really flying,
We keep ourselves at the bottom, without really trying

CHORUS

VERSE 3
Failure’s not an option that we can exercise,
Our test scores always stay the same, never will they rise.
We try and try and try to be the best that we can be,
We know we're not allowed to flunk, but it's a possibility.

CHORUS

VERSE 4
Our parents give us lots of books, hoping that we'd read,
But reading really hurts our head, it’s something we don’t need.
All those test we have to take, just really hurt our eyes,
Maybe when we get good grades, we’ll actually see pigs fly.

CHORUS

VERSE 5
We really hate those smartie kids, over at Camp Grenada,
They get their smarts and so much more from their muhddahs and their fahddahs,
The spelling bee will be next week, and then they’re gonna see,
A heavy, heapin’, helpin’ of our hospitality.

CHORUS

Testing, testing

'Twas the morn before testing and all through the school,
Not a scantron was missing, nor spindled, nor spooled

The proctors were lined up with faces of glee,
And there is our Principal, we are happy to see

AYP, API and NCLB,
We're drowning in an educational acronym sea

The CAT6, the ASVAB, we can’t get enough,
That Exit Exam wasn’t really that tough

Could those in Sacramento pass these tests that we’ve got?
Please tell me, what the hell is a box-and-whisker plot?

Our pencils are poised for that big S-A-T,
If this doesn’t work we’ll Be All We Can Be

By 2014, a bell curve won’t be bent,
All kids will be scoring at one hundred percent!

They say in four years if our goals are not met,
Experts will show us how to hit that target

They’ll invade us with clipboards and skulls full of theory,
But they fled the classroom, it was all much too scary

Our lexicon gets Bushwacked, with a big Texas drawl,
It all sounds so believable, ending in y’all

Did Dubya really say, “Make the pie higher?”
Malaprops, mixed metaphors, never will he tire

He is so easy to misunderestimate,
Does he have the credentials to pontificate?

The miracle in Texas wasn’t as good as it looks,
Apparently Spellings was just cookin' the books

We asked our Governator for pencils, books and such,
He replied, "In Cal-E-fornia, schools are s@#t-out-of-luck."

Our best history teacher was quickly asked to leave,
After thirty years of teaching, we all had to grieve

A former speech writer and a diplomat too,
Two tours in Vietnam with the U.S. Marines to boot

His final day was Friday, and we all sat down and cried,
With no B.A. in history, he wasn't HIGH QUALIFIED!

And George Dubya said in a voice so gentler and kind,
Happy testing to all, ain't NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND

© 2003

CAMP NICKLEBY

Sunday, May 9, 2010

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY 2010

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