Thursday, May 15, 2008

Who let the horse in? Who, who, who, who . . .


Wheeled within the barricades of public education six years ago, th
e Trojan horse known as No Child Left Behind is finally getting a chance to work its magic. Unable to meet unattainable goals set forth by this draconian and ridiculous law, more and more school districts throughout the United States are coming under sanctions by the Federales. And we can all be proud that California, according to a recent report, leads the nation in the percentage of school districts not meeting NCLB mandates. California has 97 school districts that failed to meet their goals under the law for four years, more than twice as many failing districts as any other state so far. Nationwide, 411 school districts in 27 states now face intervention. We can all be truly proud of this accomplishment. WE’RE NUMBER ONE, WE’RE NUMBER ONE!

Luckily, these failing school districts will now have ‘experts’ to tell them how to correctly teach children! How wonderful this will be. Apparently, educators have been doing it all wrong for so many years. Of course, no one really knows how to close the so-called achievement gap and raise the all-important test scores. It’s like trying to tie rocks to clouds. But that’s the real beauty of NCLB! This is what it was designed to do; decimate public education. And yet, every day I read or hear about how the goals of NCLB can be met, if only more money was spent, or if a school district hired better teachers or principals, or if Martians came down from space and gave everyone an anal probe.

Predictably, the always comically-delusional U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings says California is taking the right steps to punish school districts that are failing. Speaking of our beloved Governator, Spellings said in a recent interview, "He is the first governor to kind of embrace this law, to take it on himself, to be acting for it, and in keeping completely with the spirit of No Child Left Behind.” KIND OF EMBRACE??? What the hell does that mean?

On the positive side, by taking action now, California can collect $45 million from the federal government. The districts facing the most severe sanctions each will receive $250,000 in federal money to pay for intervention teams (ooo, do they getto wear cute little uniforms?) and to start following their suggestions. And what will these intervention teams suggest? More math and English classes, less science, social science, arts and music, of course. Let’s see if we can get that dropout rate to 85%! Why not just turn public schools into little gulags? With this new money, schools might be able to purchase new ‘programs’ like Reading Frist (sic)? It works so well! According to a recent article in the New York Times, “President Bush’s $1 billion a year [Reading Frist] initiative to teach reading to low-income children has not helped improve their reading comprehension, according to a Department of Education report. Reading Frist did not improve students’ reading comprehension . . . The program did not increase the percentages of students in grades one, two or three whose reading comprehension scores were at or above grade level.” Not surprising, our leader, Commandante Spellings, had “no comment” on the report. The best part is, Rep. George Miller (D-Calif), the ranking Democrat on the House Education and Workforce Committee (and misguided NCLB supporter), charged that Reading Frist officials had "wasted taxpayer dollars on an inferior reading curriculum that was developed by a company headed by a Bush friend and campaign contributor (not to mention El Presidente Pantload’s brother, Neil). Instead of putting children first, they chose to put their cronies first." Miller asked the Justice Department to initiate a criminal investigation. Didn’t happen. Won’t happen.

As part of the restructuring process, schools will need to hire turnaround experts, new principals and coaches, and many more teachers to replace those judged to be ineffective. What the hell’s a turnaround expert? Where the districts will find these top-quality educators is unknown. California expects to face a shortage of as many as 100,000 qualified teachers in the next decade. It all is quite insurmountable.

Spellings, of course, has a different take. "I think it's going to take leadership, commitment and expectations," she said. "It's just like with the kids: If you think you have a bunch of kids who can't get to grade level, that's what you have. If you think you have superstars, that's what you have." My god, she’s right! That’s all it will take. The Power of Positive Thinking. Close down the schools of education throughout the land and just reanimate the corpse of Norman Vincent Peale. Why hasn’t anybody thought of this before?

So I checked out The Power of Positive Thinking at the camp library. Took it back to my cabin and read it by the warm glow of my Coleman lantern. The next day, I was determined to turn my kiddies around. I entered my classroom and looked at all of my ‘superstars’. I gave them a test on Renaissance art. I took the tests back to my cabin and graded them. Spellings was wrong. It didn’t work. I still have a box of hammers.




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