Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Many of my colleagues at camp decided to take off for the Memorial Day weekend. I, however, chose to be a grown-up and grade papers. Lots and lots of papers! With only two weeks left before the little mouth-breathers leave camp for the summer, I thought it would be a good idea to get my grading updated, especially for the little senior snowflakes, some who may not be receiving that old diploma in nine days!

By now, their little brains have turned to goo. After the CSTs are taken, we are basically stuck in a holding pattern until the end. They just don’t care anymore. One of the big buzzwords around here is ACADEMIC RIGOR. Superintendent Kim Chee is always screaming at the staff, “Push these kids harder, harder! Make them learn more!” Apparently, our dropout rate isn’t high enough. As I was almost at the bottom of a pile of papers, I was confronted with this lovely missive. Also keep in mind that this wonderful piece of writing was created using a COMPUTER, with all the helpful tools Mr. Gates has given the children of America! Another of the many reasons I love teaching!

Thursday, May 21, 2009


This is how I started my teaching day, an interesting side-bar to last week's post regarding Ms. Palin's visit . . .

And why is this NOT an excused tardy?

We gets us our own terrorist!

As President Obama’s plan to close GitMo gets closer to becoming a reality, many Americans are wondering where the released detainees are going to end up. Many of them cannot return to their home countries for fear of death. Of course, nobody wants an Islamic terrorist living next to them. A pedophile, maybe, but not a terrorist! Some of the kids got together last week and decided to try and help with the problem.

Fatima al-Oud, president of the Camp Nickleby Multicultural Club, proposed that we ask to house a released enemy combatant. Through a letter-writing campaign aimed at the U.S. Justice Department, the club managed to secure the release of one terrorist housed at Club Gitmo. We figured we could use a new boat house keeper at the lake. He will be here next week!

His name is Abdul Mahmud al-Yerbouti and he comes to us from Mosul, Iraq, where he ran a street-side falafel stand. The 44-year-old al-Yerbouti, a Sunni Muslim (or is he a Shia . . . tomatoes . . . to-mah-toes), was added to the list of possible terrorists on February 26, 2005 when one of his customers, Yusuf Oggi ben-Doggi, a Shia (or Sunni) Muslim, turned him in to the U. S. authorities, claiming he didn’t put enough yoghurt on the guy’s falafel. Oggi ben-Doggi received his $500 reward from the U.S. Military for turning in this vicious terrorist, and al-Yerbouti’s butt was on its way to GitMo the very next day!

After he has had a chance to settle in to his new surroundings, Abdul told us he has an interest in blending in to his new surroundings. Abdul plans to open up a meat market and deli and call it Chuy’s Hallal Carniceria and Hookah Lounge down in Hog Lick Corners. Hopefully, his SBA loan will come through as part of Obama’s stimulus plan, blessing be upon his name!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Spring Is Busting Out!

Well, springtime is in full swing here at Camp Nickleby. The weather is warming up. The amount of clothing the campers wear is diminishing, and there is love in the air. Lots of it! Everywhere, young campers can be found hiding in their special mating places throughout the camp; behind a large granite boulder here, underneath a fallen sequoia there. Anywhere that provides them some shelter from camp counselors’ supervision. I was forced to take a garden hose to a couple of rutting bonobos just last Thursday, hiding behind a small group of dogwood trees. They are warned to break up their little seasonal mating dances, but usually to no avail.

The teenage pregnancy rate here at Camp Nick is way above the national average. This year, we have broken all past records. Some of the blame for this might be laid at the doorstep of our Right-to-Life club, Friends of Fetuses. Their president, senior Maureen O’Donnell, took it upon herself to have the Norplant® Kiosk, located in the quad, bulldozed by her older brother Sean and his D-4 Caterpillar last February. Maureen, who is expecting her second child in July, says that God does not want anything to come between, “our holy right of procreation” and believes in an abstinence-only policy for teenagers. Seems to have worked pretty well for her!

Ms. O’Donnell is also quite excited about the visit to Camp Nickleby by Bristol Palin, daughter of Alaska Governor, and totally witch-free, Sarah Palin. Ms. Palin is currently on her nationwide Do As I Say, Not As I Do tour, to promote her new book, You Don’t Need a Goalie If the Game Doesn’t Start, published by Simon and Shuster (ISBN 475862). Ms. Palin, new teenage mother, is slated to speak in Spellings Hall this Friday night and all are welcome to attend.

In addition to selling her how-to book on teenage abstinence ($24.99), she will also be selling her latest invention, the Palin Family Baby Name Generator, which consists of an empty Alaskan-brewed IPA can and eighteen Scrabble® tiles ($8.99). They should go like hot cakes in Juneau!

And that’s the news from Camp Nickleby, where every youngster enjoys the great outdoors, clean fresh air and daily mountain hikes, where NO CHILD’S LEFT BEHIND!