Sunday, April 20, 2008

Darwin? Darwin? Bueller?

Trouble is a-brewin’ up here in the woods. Our math and science teacher, Mr. Aristotle Pythagoras, is pissed and might quit teaching altogether. The national downhill slide towards 100% stupidity has finally hit The Nick.

Apparently, about a month a go, a large group of people from Texas bought the old Johnson place, just down the road apiece. They have enrolled their thirty-two children (32) , ages 6 thru 17, here at Camp Nickleby.

First, let me describe this group, because something is just not quite right. All of the men, about six of them, are over 50 years of age. All of the women are, well, I haven’t seen one that’s older than 22! And most of them are pregnant! And the children, the children. They all look like escapees from a casting call for a Steven King movie.

Don’t get me wrong. We welcome the children, and the chargeable dollars they will generate. The downside is, these people don’t want their children to learn about Darwin’s theory of evolution in science class! They demand that we teach Intelligent Design only! And to add insult to injury, their leader, a man by the name of Ezekiel Jeremiah Young-Smith is running for our school board in the upcoming election! And he just might win! Some of our staffers are checking into his background, hoping to find something we can use against him before the election. He constantly wears a flag lapel pin, so that’s out. Hopefully, we can use some out-of-context material from one of his former pastor’s sermons, or if he ever flew to Bosnia. We can’t go after the multitude of young, pregnant wives, because we all love families.

Ironically, the Bijou theatre in nearby Cedarville, is showing that new movie, Expelled http://www.expelledthemovie.com/, dealing with the teaching of creationism in United States colleges and universities. The movie is by the seemingly-rational actor and former Nixon lawyer and speech writer, Ben Stein. A few of us went Friday night to take a peak. Afterwards, we gathered in Spellings Hall for a glass (or two) of sherry and discussed the issue of teaching 'Intelligent Design' in a public school setting. The discussion started with the book of Genesis, of course. Charmaine, whose daddy was a Pentecostal preacher back in Boca Raton, tried to explain the story of Adam and Eve to us. She explained that the human race originated from the first parents, and their two sons, Cain and Able. Of course, the boys needed mates to procreate with and ‘go forth and multiply’, but the only female on earth was their mom, Eve. After we heard this, there was much gnashing of teeth. We all looked around at each other uncomfortably, let out a collective “eeeeoooooooooo”, put down our sherry and went to our rooms.

“After all, religion has been around a lot longer than Darwinism.” George W. Bush, September 2000

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

great post...loved it; your best so far, as per Max!

Anonymous said...

As usual, your latest post is funny, quirky, and leading edge....Enjoyed every word.

Sanders BUT not the COLONEL said...

WIN A NIGHT WITH BEN STEIN!

From the T.M.I. files of Camp Counselor Colonel S. (pronounced KERNEL ES):
Colonel S has a not-so-hidden crush on BEN STEIN!
Fun FACTS:
*FULL NAME: Benjamin Jeremy Stein
Je was born November 25, 1944
He is an American writer and commentator, Emmy Award-winning actor, comedian, and game show host.
He was also a lawyer, law professor, and White House speech writer and he has a SECRET love of high school English teachers that are under 5'3"!

Sanders BUT not the COLONEL said...

He lets me call him "Je" instead of making me proof read!

What a man! What a MAN! What a very fine MAN!